4 Our Health

Question:

His and Her use of ATM machine
His
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Put car in park ( optional )
3. Insert card, punch pin, and enter transaction
4. Take cash and receipt ( receipt optional )
5. Haul ass
Her
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check make-up in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Exit the car 'cause you're too far from ATM
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN written on it
9. Enter pin
10. Study instructions for min 2 minutes
11. Hit " Cancel "
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get back in car
22. Check make-up
23. Look for keys
24. Start engine
25. Check make-up
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to ATM
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawls in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check make-up
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from ATM
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Answer:

:laugh:

Answer:

Women
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed by a woman driving with her hand brake on was one of 211 miles by a Mrs. Saxon on 5th August 1998. She took her car across to Liverpool then proceeded to drive up to Scotland to visit relatives. Mrs. Saxon actually smelled burning before she had left Liverpool but decided to press on for Bigga, Scotland, with smoke billowing from the rear wheels.
This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Car Repairs
The largest bill for fictitious work carried out on a woman's car by a garage mechanic was one of £6322.88 charged by Joskin Brothers, Motors Limited of Stevenage. Calling in for a routine service on her one year old Peugeot 305, Mrs June Spears agreed to pay for, amongst other things, new trumpets (£752), cracked gangle pin (£1785), realignment of main glib shaft (£2268), new grommets (£112), a set of hexagonal tag nuts and dangleberry adaptor (£35) and new piss-take valves (£120). No work was actually carried out on the car during the six weeks it spent at the garage but 4000 miles were put on the clock and she later received a speeding summons from Italian police.
Window Shopping
The record for window shopping longevity belongs to a Mrs. Collister when, starting on 12th June 1997 she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Barretts window for 3 weeks and 2 days before remembering she had left the oven on.

Car Parking
The smallest kerb side space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 63ft 2inch, equivalent to 3 standard parking spaces, by a Mrs. Dancey, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova on October 13th 1998.
Mrs. Dancey started the manoeuvre at 11.15am outside Cecil's butcher shop on the Terrace. She successfully parked within 3 feet of the pavement 8 hours and 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and 2 adjoining cars, as well as 2 lamp posts and the shop frontage.

Traffic Light Cosmetics
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make-up was one of 1 hour, 51 minutes, 38 seconds by Ms. Janet Dobson (UK) at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1974. Ms. Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the lights, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.

Talking About Nothing
A Mrs. Moore and Mrs. Faragher visited Mrs. Goodwin's house and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from May 1st to August 7th 1999. The 3 ladies sat in the kitchen the whole time, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the visit no information was exchanged and none gained any new knowledge whatsoever.
The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984, chundered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting 62 days until Mrs. Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping
On February 18th 1998 Mrs. X, a close friend of Mrs. Y, popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Y in the strictest confidence that she was having an affair with the builder who had been doing some long needed repairs to her property.
After Mrs. X left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Y immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm she had told 128 people the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local amateur dramatic society, several knitting circles, a coach load of American tourists which she had flagged down and the builders wife.
When a tired Mrs. Y went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs. X's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75, 338 people, enough to fill Wembley stadium!

Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th, 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00 am the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10 pence, which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall claiming the lives of 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 twelve days between August 21st and September 2nd 1995 by a Mrs. Steele. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning Mrs. Steele could not decide between 2 near identical dresses. After just 1 hour her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Steele eventually bought one only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it.
Mrs. Steele also holds the record for window shopping longevity when, starting on September the 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks and 2 days before eventually going home.
Huff Longevity
The longest recorded huff taken by a woman was one of 57 years, 9 months and 8 days by Mrs. Glenda Bavington (GB). Following a misunderstanding over a sausage roll and an egg sandwich at a new years Eve party in 1936 she went into a huff with her sister Betty and didn't talk to her again until their fathers funeral on 8th October 1994.
Despite working alongside each other on the bakery counter of the local Co-Op in Aberystwyth, Dyfed for the first forty years of the record, Mrs. Bavington looked straight through her sister and pretended she wasn't there.
At a New Years Eve party in 1994, the subject of the sausage roll was brought up again and the huff recommenced until Betty's death earlier this year.

Daytime TV
The greatest amount of Australian soaps watched in a single eight hour day without getting out of the chair was 34 hours and 28 minutes by Mrs. Rita Cunliff. This record was achieved using 5 television sets and three video recorders on 22nd February 1996. When Mrs. Cunliff's husband returned from work he had to make his own tea.

Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her partner without asking a plot related question was achieved on May 14th 1999 when a Miss H. Gabbitass sat down with her Fiancé to watch a video of "Star Wars".
She watched in silence for a staggering 2mins 38 seconds before asking "Is this based on a true story then?"
This broke her own record set in 1997 when she sat through 2 minutes 41 seconds of "The Dam Busters" before asking "Is this a war film then or what?"

Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit the toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle upon Tyne on October the 12th, 1994, a Mrs. Ann Kenna got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hours and 37 minutes later.

Video Lesbianism
The longest time that two women, in a pornographic film, have sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other is 8.3 seconds in the 1994 low-budget production, "Strap on Sally Vol. 3".
The longest a woman has sat alone on a settee without starting to fondle herself is 5.2 seconds in the same film.

Fluffy Toys
The biggest collection of ridiculous fluffy toys on a woman's bed is one of 7046 belonging to 28 year old Sharon Merson (GB) of Bodmin, Cornwall. The collection, weighing 857Kg (1885lbs), includes 2295 teddy bears, 1146 puppies and kittens, 1208 Garfields, 947 Paddingtons, 877 Snoopies and 573 assorted pigs, elephants and gonks - all with their own names. After kissing them all goodnight, a process which takes up to 5 hours, Miss Merson sleeps on the floor.

Orangest Skin
On March 4th, 1995 Mrs. Kelly Marie Prestwick a sales assistant in the perfume department of the John Lewis department store in Leeds was independently assessed by chromotologists from the Laboratoire Garnier as having the skin orangness equivalent to 165 on the Pantone classification scale. This is about twice as orange as the skin of a satsuma
Men
Expletives:
On 9th June 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a
stonemason's mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewkesbury,
Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14min 7sec without stopping once or
repeating a swear word. He later attempted to better this feat on BBC TV's
Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in
failure when he repeated the word 'bastard' after 12mins 58secs.
Holiday Gymnastics:
The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach is 6
by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on 19th
August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter.
Car Customisation:
Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories
fitted to the Mark 2 Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the world's
most expensive car customisation project at 105761%. Between 8th March 1986
and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of 63,456.99 at
the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle.
His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit
(3500), 'Nightrider' style Disco Stop Lights (199), Split 45 Weber
Carburettors x4 (200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, (500) and a Chromium
plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension (285). The car is currently valued at
50 to 60.
Beer Drinking:
The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5
litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield (GB)
downed in various pubs in Knutsford, Cheshire between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on
22nd December 1986.
Urinating:
The longest urination delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins
24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagent's shop in
Knutsford High Street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was arrested and
charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but
arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec before taking him back
to the station, where he reputedly broke the world falling downstairs'
record. However, this could not be substantiated because there were
apparently no witnesses.
Hottest Curry Eaten:
Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main
they are difficult to substantiate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a
XXX Hot Chicken Murg Phaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield
(GB) at the Bengal Tiger Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The
curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it spontaneously
burst into flames, singeing the waiter's eyebrows.
Biggest Gaseous Excretion:
The largest and most catastrophic 'botty burp' was one dropped by Mr. George
Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the
morning of the 24th December 1986. Suffering from bad guts, Mr. Wingfield
gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car
keys, but the resulting flatulent explosion blew his entire digestive tract
out of his anus. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours
before paramedics with breathing apparatus could begin the process of
pushing them back up.

Answer:

How to Shower - Like A Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you freeze / roast
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Mould and Mildew Remover.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a blemish. Attack with nails/tweezers/stanley knife/sander/power drill if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
How to Shower - Like A Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making a "wey hey" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror, suck in your gut, look for pecs. Admire yourself in the mirror.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Ensure you leave "special" hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the bath the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire self again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, grab willy, repeat "Wey hey" sound.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Answer:

:cheers: :fonz:

Answer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyccrmBwmXc
It's even funnier in video form.

Answer:

so funny because so true

Answer:

I walked down Madison Ave in NYC last week, past Santoni, Weston, and Lobb, and therefore I can forgive the woman this one.

Answer:

fools don't make me come punch you in the throat :mad:

Answer:

hey, that might be the only form of female contact some fellas will ever get!!

Answer:

^^Throat punches are so hot.

Answer:

Shellshock,
lets turn this, mother out wrecking crew, style.

Answer:

Men from Earth: make weak posts in questionable threads
Woman from killafornia: punch to the e-throats of men

Answer:

Actually experienced this last night while trying to buy bandages at Walgreen's.
Woman in front of me:
1. Took her Herculean load of three boxes of pop tarts out of the shopping cart.
2. Cashier rings up total.
3. Woman then mentions that she has a coupon, rummages around in purse until she finds it.
4. Cashier voids purchase, redoes with coupon code - 20 cents off per package.
5. Woman approves of the cashier's job and the accuracy of the register, manages to cackle at her own hilarious remark- "yeah, that sounds more like it! ha ha"
6. Woman rummages around for checkbook.
7. Finds checkbook - "who do I make this out to?"
8. Cashier in bright red Walgreen's shirt standing behind a counter that has "Walgreen's" laminated onto it's top responds "Walgreen's"
9. Woman writes out the check, is asked to put license on the check, rummages, finds her license, writes number on check.
10. "Could I have the receipt?" (Me) "She put it in your bag a while ago, ma'am"
11. "Oh, thanks, they sometimes forget"
12. Woman waddles off, leaving shopping cart in front of register.
Me:
1. Dump the four boxes I have been holding in my hands
2. Swipe card as cashier rings them up.
3. Grab boxes and receipt and leave.

Answer:

Indeed, FLMountainMan, why on earth do people still use checkbooks at stores?? This always baffles me, especially considering the frequency with which the situation arises around here (usually when I'm in a hurry and/or trying to buy groceries). I always have to bite my tongue from screaming, "Ever heard of a freaking check CARD?!"