4 Our Health

Question:

This is my 2nd pg -- the first was blessedly uneventful, safe, healthy, and ended in an intrevention-free birth with a *perfect* baby.
Now I am 7.5 wks pg and FILLED with a sense of dread. I am SO superstitious and cannot get my mind off of worrying about miscarrying. This is so confusing to me, bc this time around I have the distraction of caring for another child, so you'd think I'd not have time to worry. But every single day I fear that I have already lost the pg. I've been feeling pretty rotten and then all of a sudden my breasts won't hurt, or smells of cooking food won't bother me and I am SO convinced that I've m/c'd. I haven't felt sick on over 24 hrs now and I am just SO worried.
What on earth is wrong with me? Is this mother's intuition that something is not quite right? Or am I just a chicken-shit -- so afraid of the pain of losing that I walk around like a pessimist, fearing the worst?!?
Interestingly, dh, the eternal optimist, also feels very nervous and unsure . . . he thinks it's bc we both feel so incredibly blessed by our good fortune (and the EASE with which it has come to us) that we both figure the cards are stacked for something to go wrong. Is that Judeo-Christian GUILT or what?!?!
(BTW, I'm planning a very lo-tech pregnancy w/a homebirth -- no reason to go for an ultrasound yet, so I've not tried that. If I really wanted one, I'd have to pretend to be interested in some hi-tech OB practice -- I know I could get one on the spot if I said I was concerned, but I'm resisting that route. Desperately wanting to be more mindful and in the moment and TRUSTING!!!)
Does anyone else feel like this? Afraid to celebrate? Sensing impending doom?
My gosh, do I need to meditate OR WHAT?!?!
Thanks for letting me vent!

Answer:

Does anyone else feel like this? Afraid to celebrate? Sensing impending doom? Me!:wave Terrified to be happy for a single second. afraid to get "too attached" to the pregnancy. as if that would protect my heart from the pain of miscarrying, should i have.
sigh. i have had two miscarriages. but i was always paranoid about being pregnant. always checking my panties for blood and giving myself a quick feel to make sure the boobs were still tender.
However, some women do have a sense of impending doom. I knew with my fourth pregnancy that it wasn't going to last. i just knew it! But i cant be sure thats what your feeling. your fear could be because you know how precious a time this is, and how much your first baby means to you.
:hug Lisa

Answer:

I was only pregnant the one time. The whole pregnancy, I had worries and nightmares.
I hadn't pretested for the Askenazi Jewish genetic diseases. I was filled with dread that the baby would have a horrible disease like Tay Sachs. No, he didn't.
I had spotting. I was sure it was a m/c. No, it wasn't.
Everything I ate I was sure was going to poison the fetus. I was WORRIED I tell you! Yes, I was happy too, giddy with happiness, but also terribly worried.
I think (please don't be offended by this comparison, now!) pregnancy hormones were a little like pot. The few times I smoked pot I found that my personality and my foibles were amplified--giggling, horny, sleepy, wanting snack food, paranoid, worried--and that's also how I was when I was pregnant! (But uh, not high.)
So yeah, it could be intuition. Or it could be your hormones playing a trick on you.

Answer:

Thanks, Mamas. It does help to hear that others know how I feel. sweetbaby3, your post scared me a little bc I was *SO* certain that I was NOT pg, that ever since I have been wondering if that meant it wasn't meant to be. (and I'm sorry for your two losses!) But I think that captain may be onto something with the whacked out hormones . . . I'm just SO tired and SO maxed out with ds, it's not all that difficult to become emotional and blue and then assume this means something is wrong.
And how onderful to hear that someone who calls herself Captain Optimism was just as neurotic as I'm being!!!! I thought you were gonna tell me to hold my chin up and look on the bright side! (which would have made me want to flick someone) :thumb
Of course, tonight I feel sick again (TOTALLY grossed out by ds's mashing of all the tofu in his miso soup into vomit-like paste! UGH!), so I find that reassuring. Crazy, huh?
So I'll just be counting the days and testing my boobs until that 2nd trimester comes! :p
Thanks again for the reassurance. :love

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i hope you take this in the spirit intended...
when the neighbor kids had lice, i became TERRIFIED that it would infect my kids... and ME! i had long, thick hair to my butt... it would be a nightmare to delouse, not to mention... who would do it? and the longer i kept hearing of infestations, the more nauseated and worried i got!
so, of course, eventually the lice fairy came to our house too. i fought and fought, practically shaved the kids' heads, and boiled everything. my hair was constantly braided and up and never touched! but eventually, the thing i feared the most finally came to pass.
and i dealt with it. it was rotten, sure, and i hated it, but my friends helped and we eventually wiped the little buggers out.
my three pregnancies with my kiddos, i didn't worry about m/c because i hadn't known anyone close to me who had had one, and i really didn't think i would either. but years later, i had not one but two losses. during the second, i was terrified the whole time it would happen again... and when it did, i dealt with it.
now i'm pregnant again. i'm 17 weeks now, so the worry has faded somewhat. but i WAS worried, especially around 10 weeks (when i lost the last two). still, i knew, even if it happened, i would be able to deal with it.
so have some faith in yourself. even if the worst happens, and of course i pray for you that it won't, you WILL be able to deal with it. fearing it doesn't make it not happen, and it makes your life less sweet. if you can let go of the fear, and enjoy this baby for what it has to offer you now, you will be doing both yourself and your baby a big favor.
it's not easy to let go of fear. but you can make a conscious decision to find joy in this pregnancy... even with a m/c, you will have a bittersweet joy to remember, of the plans and dreams you made with your baby.
warmly,
katje

Answer:

Thank you, Katje, for your thoughtful reply. I must admit that when I started reading it, I bristled, bc I *thought* you were going to say that worrying about it would make it come to pass (and that's victim blaming, IMHO), but that's not at ALL what you were saying.
Originally posted by SamuraiEarthMama
so have some faith in yourself. even if the worst happens, and of course i pray for you that it won't, you WILL be able to deal with it. It's funny that you say this bc all day I've been saying to myself, "What's the worst that could happen?" and even imagining a m/c, I don't feel that it would be more than we could handle as a family, esp this early. It's a little hard, then, for me to figure out why I keep thinking about it . . . but I think you guessed it:
QUOTE]Originally posted by SamuraiEarthMama
fearing it doesn't make it not happen, and it makes your life less sweet.
I think I have thought my *whole* life that if I DID fear something actively, then it *wouldn't* happen. You know, you see all these distraught people on TV interviews saying, "You never think it'll happen to you," so my approach has always been to think it WILL happen to me. This is superstitious and irrational and a feeble attempt at controlling the uncontrollable. I've always known this about myself, but it's good to be reminded. And yes, what a waste of my life energy, especially when things are going so blissfully well!

QUOTE]Originally posted by SamuraiEarthMama
if you can let go of the fear, and enjoy this baby for what it has to offer you now, you will be doing both yourself and your baby a big favor.
And this is exaclty what I've not let myself do (nor has dh). I have not bonded in any way -- have not allowed myself more than 10 seconds of dreaming or wishing or planning. At best, that's cheating myself and dh of happiness and excitement about this newest life, and at worst, it's cheating my baby of the love s/he deserves while s/he IS present with me. How sad would I feel if I lost this pregnancy without ever having fully embraced it?
It's funny . . . this is a lesson I knew *completely* when I was pg with ds . . . that no matter WHAT happened I was forever changed and forever *improved* for having carried that soul with me. It's amazing how I had forgetten that.
But then, the first time around I was yoging and meditating daily and these lessons were so easy to receive. Now I'm a sleep-deprived mom and the lessons (and the yoga and the meditating!) are harder to come by. But no less powerful.
SO thank you SamuraiEarthMama for that spiritual reality check. You may have just saved me so much heartache! :love :love :love

Answer:

what a great thread! i only have a minute but had to reply to this before i forget.
september, i spent much of my life and the whole of my first pregnancy like this:
I think I have thought my *whole* life that if I DID fear something actively, then it *wouldn't* happen. You know, you see all these distraught people on TV interviews saying, "You never think it'll happen to you," so my approach has always been to think it WILL happen to me. This is superstitious and irrational and a feeble attempt at controlling the uncontrollable. I've always known this about myself, but it's good to be reminded. And yes, what a waste of my life energy, especially when things are going so blissfully well! so i can totally relate to you on that!
this pregnancy i'm trying my darndest to act/feel/live like this:
so have some faith in yourself. even if the worst happens, and of course i pray for you that it won't, you WILL be able to deal with it. fearing it doesn't make it not happen, and it makes your life less sweet. if you can let go of the fear, and enjoy this baby for what it has to offer you now, you will be doing both yourself and your baby a big favor. and it is better, though the fear does creep back and i sometimes have to remind myself to believe and love and hope and trust.
i also need to say that katje, i am just so glad you are on this board. i have read many of your posts lately and they are so thoughtful and loving. so i just wanted to tell you and thank you!
okay, got to go. hope this makes sense,

Answer:

Originally posted by SamuraiEarthMama


so have some faith in yourself. even if the worst happens, and of course i pray for you that it won't, you WILL be able to deal with it. fearing it doesn't make it not happen, and it makes your life less sweet. if you can let go of the fear, and enjoy this baby for what it has to offer you now, you will be doing both yourself and your baby a big favor.
it's not easy to let go of fear. but you can make a conscious decision to find joy in this pregnancy... even with a m/c, you will have a bittersweet joy to remember, of the plans and dreams you made with your baby.
warmly,
katje Katje
Can I just tell you what a wondeful person you are to write such a post...I woke up early this morning feeling pretty positive but you just gave me such a spirital boost I cannot even express my gratitude...
I came here to read this post (you know how my pg has been) to try to give support and say "yes me too" but after I read your post (even though it was not for me) I realized I do just need to stop...stop worring, stop being paranoid and start loving, connecting with my surviving twin and getting on with this pg..(I am 16 weeks for those who do not know).
September, I have sought out help thru my homeopath to help me deal with all these emotions so I do not know if that is an option for you but you might want to consider it...I also felt invincible with ds #1 but I also was working f/t and did not have the time to sit around and *think* so much either nor did I have my PC at the time either so I was a lot less aware of the m/c factor.
and really, really Katje...I cannot express enough how much your words mean to me.....what an amazing soul you are...I wish I could give you a real :hug....
Amazing...you are truly amazing....:hearts

Answer:

whaaa! i'm just bawling from your responses! bless you all...
each baby... each mama... each birth... they all have so many lessons to give us. some of them are funny (have you read the "just gotta laugh" thread?), and some are so painful we fight them tooth and nail.
each of you have experiences and stories i want to hear, too! and i'm SOOO grateful for this board, this safe space where we can let our hair down and risk sounding a little foolish and KNOW we are being heard and respected.
thank you, thank you. and if my humble words helped anyone set aside their tentative embrace of their pregnancy, then i am overjoyed. every baby, even the ones who have to leave too soon, deserves to be loved. and every mama, even the ones who don't get to hold their babies, deserves to know the intensity and power of giving that love!
with honor to all you incredible mamas,
katje

Answer:

Oh September, you could be me! I'm 13 weeks pregnant with my third baby, and it's been rare that I've stopped worrying.
See, I had a very early miscarriage two months before this pregnancy. I was so sure I was pregnant even a week before I missed AF, that I started to bond with and talk to and imagine the baby. I was sure it was a girl. I was two days late for my period, but when it came, I was sure, and still am pretty sure that it was either a miscarriage or "missed conception". I even named the baby Ava. I was so torn to peices that I felt I would have had to tear my heart out to make the pain go away. But it faded. And now I really am pregnant. But there's always that fear that never goes away.
What you said, Katje, is what I've been trying to tell myself this entire pregnancy. But for some reason the dread will not go away completely. I feel like a person who has counted their chicks before they're hatched if I imagine giving birth to a healthy beautiful babe. I should print up your response and keep it to read when I'm out of control!
And September, how nice to know we're not alone in our superstitious silliness!

Answer:

I worried like you did perhaps a little more. I would not got to the bathroom becvause i was scared of seeing blood. But then I would check a hundred time. Heaven forbid I was wearing a red shirtior somehting that would cast a hint of pink on the toilet paper. :rolleyes: And then once the fear of miscarraige passed it was somehting happen and the baby dying. I was a total spaz. I totally though everyone was this paralized by fear while they were pregnant. As my last pregnancy went on (by far the worst for fear and worry) I began to relize that this wasn't normal and that most people don't worry about every little thing while they are pregnant. It was so bad that I was going to talk about inducing early because I just couldn't go on being so out of control of my babys saftey. A few weeks before I delivered I read an article about antenatal (it was a british mag) depression, how common it is (maybe more common than PPD) and how little it is talked about. But it is a hormal fear fest. And there is medication you can take. If I get preg. again I will definitely have ot be closely monitered and perhaps medicated. I was far past the point of being sane. :LOL So what you are experianceing sounds pretty normal but if it doesn't go away after the scary first trimester or it gets worse or starts effecting your ability to live life normally I would definitely talk it over with your HCP because there are things they can do about it.
And just for the record I went into labor early and gave birth on the day I was oging to talk to my MW about inducing. God was very kind to me and my fragile state. I delt with PPD for a while but it lifted as my hormones balanced out.

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oops! see below!

Answer:

I'm sorry I disappeared . . . I didn't know there were more responses.
Thanks for chiming in, Everyone. It is such a comfort to know that no matter how we're suffering (or imagining to suffer, in this case!) that there are always others out there who can understand and empathize. That's a powerful gift. And thank goodness SamuraiEarthMama was able to bring all us all down to earth again!
I'm am embarrassed to admit this, bc I gave in to my weeniness a bit, but here's what's going on with me:
Yesterday morning I woke up at 4 am after a VERY vivid and realistic m/c dream. In the past, on many, many occassions, I have dreamed things before they have happened, so I lay awake the rest of the morning feeling pretty certain that my dream would come true. I was not in a panic, however, nor was I particularly upset, bc the night before, thanks to SEMama's wisdom, I had meditated with my baby and welcomed him/her fully into my heart. My insomnia was more from not knowing how to react . . . to begin grieving, or to wait and wait and wait for some physical sign that the pg was over.
So in the a.m., very tired from lack of sleep and general uncertainty, I called an OB practice in town and got myself an ultrasound. And I saw the heartbeat!!!!:love This little flashing light, just growing and squirming, and filling up space in the universe and in my heart. I was quite emotional -- moreso than I had been the first time I saw ds's heartbeat -- I think bc now I know the unspeakable joy of motherhood and the indescribable joy this soul will continue to bring into our home.
I'm embarrassed to admit that my intuition was SO off. But I understand that the fear and anxiety were mixing my signals, and the worry was clearly too much for me to integrate this time. So I felt like this was a reasonable use of technology, bc it has helped me to be more present with my family . . . all THREE of them!!!:love
You mamas have been so loving and so supportive in this thread. I continue to be amazed that a group of women can come together in virtual space and offer such unconditional love to each other. I remain so grateful for this forum.
And in the spirit of honesty, I must tell you that "September" is an alternate username I created to carve out some privacy for myself. I am a regular on these boards but was needing space to be vulnerable and thoughtful in privacy from RL friends and acquaintances who know who I am . . . I wasn't quite ready to talk about this IRL, so I came here, and you didn't disappoint.
But I'll out myself now -- both bc I'm feeling braver and more relaxed and bc it feels like the honest thing to do. You'll see that I posted above, forgetting that I was logged in under my other name -- but that was after I had written this post and confessed my identity . . . I just moved it under "September" so people wouldn't be confused! :D
Blessings and Peace and Gratitude to you strong, strong mamas and your blessed babies . . . wherever they may be!
September (aka "Breathe")

Answer:

Congratulations! You must be so relieved. I can relate to how you feel, b/c I refused to let myself accept that I was pg again until I was about 15 wks along. I was eating well, exercising, felt tired, nausea, all that stuff, but I had had 2 m/c within 4 months before I got pg again. I thought, there's no way this one is for real. I was so torn up after my 2 m/c and didn't want to go thru the suffering and grieving all over for a third time. I decided not to have an ultrasound, and accepted that if it was meant to be, then it would be. Otherwise, I would have to deal with it- but I didn't want to get attached just incase.
Finally, at 15 wks, (my first real prenatal appt) my doc got a heartbeat on the doppler. It was this intense moment of happiness, and tears of relief. I felt like I had been keeping it all inside, and I was so happy and excited. After that I suddenly realised how pregnant I was! I had a belly!! So far, this pg has been perfectly normal.
So, again, congratulations:love I feel your relief! ((((hugs))))

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Thanks for the hugs, Hibou! And congrats to you, too, on your normal and healthy pregnancy!:love