4 Our Health

Question:

Hi Pregnant Mommas!
I have some thoughts to share with you, especially the first-time mommas, and if you are having a homebirth in particular. I hope this is helpful! :)
I had a homebirth with my first daughter with two midwives and a doula. The baby was born late at night, and our birth team stayed for a while, then had to leave. I was exhausted and so they suggested to my DH that he take over the baby for a few hours while I rested. He was pretty nervous about it, but he did. It was very overwhelming for us, being new parents and not having spent much time around babies before. We felt a little lost and lonely. We didn't have family with us and we were flying by the seat of our pants. Our midwives and doula stopped by over the next few days to check in, but we still felt so lost. It was just the two of us and he had work to do (he works at home), and I was so sore and in bad shape after the birth. I just wanted someone to mother me!
For many reasons, my second daughter was born in the hospital. One big difference I noticed was that there was wonderful, capable help there 24 hours a day after the birth. The nurses were available to take my daughter so I could rest, I could ask them questions, someone brought me meals (I know, hospital food! :) But at least the meals were prepared for me.) My DH could rest, too.
Now, I'm not saying that a hospital birth is better than a homebirth. But what I found out during my hospital experience was that we really could have used 24-hour help at home after the birth of our first daughter. I think things would have gone so much better for us the first time if we had had a few post-partum doulas taking shifts in our home, sort of like the nurses at the hospital. At least for a couple days, someone who is just THERE - making meals, doing laundry, answering questions, rocking the baby so I could sleep and DH could rest, too.
We were so naive about new babies the first time, that we didn't even have any family here to help us. Granted they live 5000 miles away, but we could have flown them out here.
I tell you, when my second daughter was born, we asked my parents to come out, and we hired two nannies (or you could hire doulas) who helped us for a while after the baby was born. My Mom was doing laundry, making meals, rocking the baby. One nanny helped with my toddler, and we had another nanny who did one overnight a week so I could get a full night's sleep. My Mom also did another overnight, and my DH another overnight. The three of them would bring the baby to me for nursing, but then I could get back to sleep and get a few hours of good sleep.
I guess my point to all of this is - don't underestimate how much work a new baby is, and how tired you are going to be. If you can hire help, great. At least for the first couple days - use those post-partum doulas! If you can have family come and help, great. If you have friends who want to help, great. Of course, spend as much time with your new baby as you can and you want to, but remember to take care of yourself, eat well, get rest, and accept help.
Many blessings to you all as you look forward to the births of your new babes!
Love much, Jen

Answer:

Thank you Mamasaurus for taking the time to write all that down for us first timers.... I have been trying to see past the birth for a while now. It's hard when you are so focused on one event to see past it and make all the necessary preparations. My mother blessing (shower) this weekend, and I am seriously considering asking people who are willing to sign up to bring meals or help do a load of laundry. Thanks for being honest, but not behaving as though having a baby is some unpleasant inconvenience. It's not, it's just hard work! I am taking your advice and making some post partum plans!

Answer:

For another point of view- I did not want anyone else caring for my baby for weeks. I can't imagine having slept without her in those early days. Food was great though! I wanted people to show up with yummy food in hand, ooo and ah over the baby, let us eat or eat with us, then leave. I didn't want anyone else in our space for an extended time, least of all a stranger like a nanny or a doula.
-Angela

Answer:

The first week after DD's birth I slept about an hour a night (I had to stay with her in the hospital- long story). She wanted to be held and nursed and they had "rules" about taking her to bed so I sat up in a rocking chair all night.
I would have been SO upset if someone else had sat up with DD holding her and rocking her while I slept. There was one night the nurse held her for 30 minutes or so at 4am so I could sleep and I just laid there on the cot in the corner of her room and didn't sleep a wink. I was amazed at the amount of energy I had after giving birth. Not to say I wasn't exhausted but I was so motivated by my love for my child that being tired didn't matter so much to me.
I DO agree that it's nice to have help with food and laundry. That's what DH's and takeout are for. :LOL

Answer:

It's great advice to have help. I had my sister organize family and friends to come every other day for two weeks with food. I had to stay in bed (pretty much) for two weeks and rest. It helped tremendously!

Answer:

Well for a differeing opinion, I thought the first few days were so nice.
After my first those first few days were such a calm, loving time I am really glad no one else was there. On about day 4 when my milk came in there were a couple of touchy days, but over all I loved the first few weeks. I didn't think they were too hard. No one has ever brought me any food, or done any laundry (I've never had a washing machine with a new baby either) so maybe if I'd had helpful visitors it would have been different, but mostly I was just thinking "Go home so I can get back to my new family"
Even with my second and having a 1 1/2 year old too I still remember those first few days as so great, and since my toddler nursed too, I didn't even have an engorgement problem :wink We didn't even know anyone the second time (live 1500+ miles from all of our family), and it was still so sweet.
I also couldn't stand to have him out of my arms for very long at that age. We do have quite a line up this time, but it is more to take care of my two others then the baby. I sure wouldn't if it was just going to be one kid to care for.

Answer:

thanks for sharing and bringing back the memories of those first days. it's been almost two years but i have been thinking about it a lot lately.
It was great to read Mamasaurus' story and the responses. Just thought I would share a few thoughts as well.
i actually had my parents & sister over but in some ways it was just too much. They are not the kind who can just help and stay out of the way. THey wanted to be into everything, comment on everything and made my dh feel left out / incompetent. It was awful, even though they did make meals and brought me protein shakes in the middle of the night. So it really depends on the kind of relationship and understanding you all have.
But I do NOT think dh and I could have handled the workload ourselves nor coudl we have afforded to hire anyone so in that sense it was probably better that we had them than not. I really think that the best baby shower present anyone could ever give woudl be a coupon for making meals or doing laundry or whatever. In fact if post partum doulas could create gift certificates so that friends could chip in for one meal or something then the entire financial burden would not be on the new couple.

Answer:

Great responses! Yes, there definitely is an issue of having someone in your personal space! It can be too much! :nut That is something each momma has to figure out for herself. And having help doesn't have to mean having someone in your house, either. It can be whatever is right for you. Having meals delivered, having someone come and clean the house, do the laundry, whatever. You don't need to hand your newborn baby over to someone in order to have help!
The people we chose to be with us were dear, wonderful people, not strangers at all! I, too, can't imagine having strange people around us for extended periods of time. We love, love, love my parents. :love And our nannies were very special women, very good friends as well. We actually named our second daughter after one of our nannies!
If you are going to have people around, definitely have people who won't drive you crazy! :LOL
And please don't feel guilty for asking for help! It doesn't mean you don't love your baby, or that you aren't doing a good job by having help! Having a loving family member or friend rock/hold the baby while you get a few hours sleep does not make you a poor mother! :) If you need some help, it's fine. There is too much guilt dumped on women in society, and you don't need to buy into it!

Answer:

I'm a big believer in "help"
With my first three, only my mother was available to help. My (now) exh went right back to work all three times (with the third, he only came to the hospital for the pushing part, then back to work). She stayed between 7-10 days each time.
With my fourth, new hubby, and my 5th, due in January, I had a caring hubby there for many days (almost a month with the 4th, but probably just a week with this one), then my mother will come in the afternoons for a week, then my MIL will come in the afternoons for a week. By then I'll be 3 weeks PP and we'll have adjusted to yet another baby :). Plus, my older kids will be able to start some laundry, do some dishes, etc.
I had a long interval between 3 and 4 (divorce, remarriage, etc) and after almost 9 years I had totally forgotten how EXHAUSTING a newborn can be. Every two hour wakings take a bit to get used to, especially while recovering from major abdominal surgery :).
GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO BE TIRED AND ASK FOR HELP!!!! But also, if you want some time alone, ask for that too :). (well, alone with just your partner and new baby :) )

Answer:

A good book about the postpartum period... "Natural Health After Birth" by Aviva Jill Romm. It validated for me on so many levels about how moms need care after birth too.

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I was a first time moma with a hb. Twas the most wonderful experience I could ever want. All 3 of us climbed into bed after the birth and went to sleep
We need no help. Dh took care of everything. After he went back to work I took care of the baby and if I had any time then I did house work.
I am soooo glad it was dh,baby and I, wouldnt have wanted other people around. I just couldnt rest well with other taking care of my baby. It was wonderful to be just us in our own home relaxing and recovering.
I dont think a new baby is much work at all.
By the way I am now a moma to 3 all hb's :love :thumb

Answer:

More thoughts - not everyone has a DH who is comfortable diving right into helping with a new baby. Some men are very intimidated by it. Mine was! :LOL But that's ok. Men don't need guilt heaped on them, either, if they aren't too baby-inclined. Having help can be for the husband as well.
Another thing to not underestimate is how your birth may go. It may go great and you may feel wonderful afterwards - I did with my second birth, thank goodness! But my first birth left me feeling exhausted, sore, tired, overwhelmed, etc. And I sure wasn't expecting that! I thought I would be tired, but not to the extent I really was.
Point is - you have no idea how things are going to pan out, especially with you first birth. Best be prepared for anything, then you can always cut back if needed.
Thanks to those women who are understanding that I'm not trying to be negative. I'm just being honest.
Believe me, I love my babies. That first week was magic, magic, magic! I fell in love with my first daughter like nothing I've ever felt before! :throb But it was also exhausting! :LOL

Answer:

There is no shame in asking for help if you need it. There is also nothing wrong with not needing the help. ;) Some of my friends/family did driveby food drop offs last time, that was extremely helpful. I find that I need more assistance with errands-picking up food, etc than in-home help. So now I know what to ask for.

Answer:

This is definitly a personal preference sort of thing. You just won't know until it's the time, YK? When DS was born I was SO glad that my mom was able to be there for the birth and for 10 days after. She actually flew in from CA (to NC) while I was in labor. She was a HUGE help in the beginning. DH took a month off of work and he was great to have around but neither DH nor I really knew what the heck we were doing. My mom was awesome, she has 4 kids so she knows how to do all the little things that are involved with caring for a newborn. However, there is no way I would have wanted a lot of people there or a different person every few hourse. I liked the consistancy of having my mommy.
And even when my DS was asleep (next to me in a bassanet) I could hardly sleep. I woke up ever 30 min just to check on him. I would reach my hand over to feel he was there. This time the baby is going right into bed with all 3 of us so I hope I can get a little more sleep. But my point is if my mom had taken my baby all night I probably wouldn't have slept. DH or my mom would take the baby so I could nap for an hour or so but the second he started to cry I was wide awake and I would ask what took them so long to bring him into me. LOL
So definitly have friends, family, whoever prepared to help you if you need it. But also prepare them for the idea that you may not want or need their help. Definitly ask if you need help, heck if you can afford it pay someone to cook the meals, do the cleaning, etc. if that is what you want. But I feel so strongly that I wouldn't want any sort of nanny to care for my baby, the first few weeks are a time for bonding that I just wouldn't be able hand over to someone else.

Answer:

I definitely found being a first time parent a bit scary. My dh & I had virtually no experience with babies (I think he only held one once before and that's b/c I made him do it). I remember breaking out in a sweat every time I'd have to change her diaper b/c she'd be crying and I didn't want to cause her stress! We had family that lived close by, but they really didn't provide any useful help aside from my in-laws bringing us a pizza after the birth. It would have been so great to have someone step up and volunteer to take care of some of the cleaning, laundry, and especially meals (and I wasn't comfortable telling them to do these things). Meals are probably the most important thing to get help with (you can nap next to your baby everytime s/he naps). A new mom doesn't need her diet to be poor. A couple of options if they're available to you besides hiring someone like a postpartum doula would be:
1. A personal chef - they have these available to make meals for like a week postpartum. When I checked into it, the chef would come to your home for just one day I think and prepare ALL your meals in our kitchen, catering them to your needs & preferences. The meals were then frozen for use later. Not the cheapest option though.
2. Your local mother's club - mine (and others I know of) - may offer a free meal service. The way ours works is that you fill out a request to receive meals postpartum (and sometimes in times of crisis) and then the meal coordinator calls around to volunteering members of the club to each make one meal for the new mom, for up to 5 meals (either over a 5 day stretch or every other day, depending on the mom's preference). This is free! and a *really* helpful thing in the early days.
So my experience was really that I could have used some help around the house, but primarily with meals since the cleaning can wait. :) I also didn't want anyone else caring for my baby. Ideally, the two of us would stay in bed for at least the first few days with the exception of bathroom breaks.