4 Our Health

Question:

With DD#1, I felt like I bonded as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I talked to her every day, massaged her.....always felt like I had her with me. I was also alone in the car and not singing nursery rhymes to a toddler ;)
I am starting week #12 and I don't feel like I have bonded at all. I have barely talked to this baby at all. I am hoping it is because I am just busy with a toddler and haven't felt well in TWO MONTHS. That'll take the excitement away from anything. I have not really felt excited at all....
The past two nights my daughter has kissed my belly and kissed the baby goodnight.......how sweet, almost made me cry. That made me feel really good.
I think part of me wants another girl so bad too that I feel bad thinking this could be a boy and not being excited about that......I need to somehow get it through my head that it might be a boy and that we'll love him just as much!!! How do I do that??
Hope this is all just horomones........anybody else?

Answer:

I could have written your same post!
I am 24 weeks with #2 and feel like I have hardly paid any attention to this pgcy. With DD, I read constantly, did yoga and belly-dancing, talked and sang to her a lot, etc. This time I feel so detached from it all. Sometimes I just feel fat, not pregnant :bag: . When I do think about it, I worry that it will either be sick / deformed (eek!) or that I will not love it as much as the first, or that I won't be able to be a good mama to one or the other of my children when it's born. Feeling the baby move helped some. I think this time around I will do most of my bonding postpartum, that's all. Good pgcy vibes to you, mama!

Answer:

Quite common to feel that way with the second, cause you're so busy with the first. Rest assured that you will bond to your child when it's born, if not before.
I keep waiting to see if there's any first time moms that feel this way. I'm pg with my first, and I'm happy to be pg, but I haven't talked to the baby much, not done much out of the ordinary, just living my life. Now that he's kicking more, I find myself paying more attention to the baby, but I don't think I'll really feel like I know him til after he's born.

Answer:

I felt the same way when pregnant with #2 but I had hyperemisis and was so sick for about 18 weeks. My first was also 2 1/2 at the time so he kept me very busy. I always wondered how you loved the two equally and if I would bond as much. Well let me tell you it is wonderful. Much busier but there is plenty of love. I truly didn't concentrate on my pregnancy as much as the first but as time went on and the excitement grew and there was lots of movement it got better. We had a homebirth and that was great that we were all together right away. Now I feel the opposite and wonder how to give my 3 year old enough attention while nursing etc the little one!

Answer:

wonder how to give my 3 year old enough attention while nursing etc the little one! Oh I am sure I will deal with this come March!! I've seen many people respond by saying to read to the older child while you are nursing the baby......that will work in infancy, until the baby hits that "I'm so nosey I have to look around" stage. I remember having to nurse my daughter in total silence in a dark room or she wouldn't eat when she got older! LOL

Answer:

I feel this way, and this is my first. I've been surprised by it, because I wanted this baby so much (and still do!), yet it doesn't feel real, and there's been no bonding. I don't talk to her or really do anything different. I just wonder when I will start to feet more attached.

Answer:

Wow, you sound just like I felt during my second pregnancy!! When I got pg the first time I had been completely focused on getting ready to TTC for months and wanted a baby SO badly...the whole pregnancy was all about getting ready for this precious baby.
The second time, it happened sort of unexpectedly (we weren't really preventing, but had just decided maybe it would be better to wait another year when I found out the following week that I was already pg!). I was in a different state of mind that time, and very busy taking care of my toddler...plus I had mixed emotions about dividing myself, my time and attention, between two children and how that would affect each of them. I also wanted another girl suddenly (had always wanted one of each, but when I got pg I really wanted it to be a girl!) and wondered how disappointed I would feel if it turned out to be a boy...my focus was much more divided than just on this new life inside me, and I felt guilty about that, and less bonded to the baby than I had my first.
Once he was here (yes, he was a boy and I instantly couldn't imagine having had another girl!!) life was different...in a way I grieved a bit that it wasn't the same as it felt after my first baby was born (we had such a blissful babymoon, and the second time that just wasn't as possible because life had to go on, my toddler had to be tended to, plus Noah had a bit of a traumatic start and spend the first 4 days in NICU). But it was wonderful in it's own way! I bonded with him, and loved him as much as I loved my firstborn - my love multiplied, rather than became divided like I had feared. It was an adjustment going from one to two, but a wonderful one.
So, you are a completely normal mama experiencing completely normal emotions, and everything WILL be ok! :hugs

Answer:

I didn't bond with either of my boys in utero -- I enjoyed the sensations of them moving around in there but I just didn't feel any bonding happening.
Also, I bonded immediately with ds1, and it took me a little longer with ds2. Now, of course, I'm crazy about both of them :thumb

Answer:

Hello. Are you me, a trimester ago?!
I did not bond with this baby at all in the beginning. I barely thought about her, talked to her, anything at all!! I thought she may have been a boy and that's why I wasn't bonding, so when Adam asked to find out the sex I agreed, thinking that if I knew for sure she was a boy I could bond. But she's a she. That still didn't help.
We've named her, we refer to her by her name and that helped a bit. But I still didn't talk to her nearly half as much as I talked to my daughter when I was pregnant with her.
I could NEVER figure out what parts of her I was feeling and could never tell what position she was in. With my daughter I could tell you everything, almost right down to her comfort level. We had such an incredible bond.
I was so afraid I was doing harm to this baby by not "loving" her like I loved my daughter when I was pregnant with her.
Over time, I've bonded with her in different ways that I did with my daughter. I love her, can't wait to meet her, and am sorry that I ever felt I didn't love her just because I didn't feel the same connection with my daughter.
Hang in there. That bond and connection will come.
And yes, I do believe part of it is, that you're busy with your toddler. I also had a move to think about, a death in the family, and other stresses that took over my thoughts.
*hugs*

Answer:

I'm having the opposite experience. With Ben we ttc for a year, 2 m/c, then got pg at the wrong time, lots of stress, many complications, considered terminating for medical reasons, ms everyday till delivery, moved from Japan to Nevada at 7.5 months and essentially did not bond at all. I didn't really grasp that he was sticking around till he was 3 months old. I was always kind of like "Are you still here?", even though I adored him, and knew he was mine, it just didn't feel real that he was there and healthy and permanent.
With this one, we were totally surprised, and I'm so busy with school ( I had already given my notice with Ben before I found out I was pg, so was home full time from 10 wks on), and of course with Ben, that I don't have time to do yoga everyday, or read a lot of books, and I already have almost everything we need, so no shopping etc. But I already love this one. I think it's because I have Ben, and I have faith that this is really my baby, and is really here to stay. I'm glad that I don't have to spend all my time just worrying about whether or not the baby is viable, and whether or not it has a nasty disease, and where we will live and how we will care for it. We are stable enough this time that I can just live my life.

Answer:

I am pregnant with my 3rd and feeling this way. With both my son and my daughter I was so in tune with my pregnancy. I felt so close and bonded to them from the beginning, immediately started filling out a baby book and spent ages fantasizing about my baby coming. This time I have been not into it at all. I was still not 100% sure I wanted a 3rd but one night I knew I was ovulating so we decided to try just for the heck of it. Well that ONE night of unprotected sex resulted in this baby and I still sometimes feel that this was a big mistake. Things are finally starting to get manageable with my two and now I am going to start all over again!? Ugh! I get very scared that I am not going to love this baby or bond with it even when it's here because I will view it as an intrusion rather than a welcomed baby. I am trying very hard not to feel this way and I hope its all going to work out. I am going to try to find out the sex because I really, really want a girl and if its a boy I know it will take me 4 months to get used to the idea. I think it will be harder for me to bond with a boy because my son is just SO hard to deal with and my daughter is SO easy. Of course that could just be their personalities. Anyways yes I am not bonded to this pregnancy.

Answer:

I am going to try to find out the sex because I really, really want a girl and if its a boy I know it will take me 4 months to get used to the idea. I think it will be harder for me to bond with a boy because my son is just SO hard to deal with and my daughter is SO easy. I don't want to know the sex, but have wondered if I should for this same reason. People assure me I'll love a boy and bond with it instantly........I am scared though. Every time we have playgroup or go to the park, etc I see how different boys play and most of them are just not very nice :(

Answer:

I keep waiting to see if there's any first time moms that feel this way. I'm pg with my first, and I'm happy to be pg, but I haven't talked to the baby much, not done much out of the ordinary, just living my life. Persephone~
I am pg with my first, and have not bonded very much yet. I am happy to be having a baby, but it came early, and I am just about to start at university this month. I think the stress of trying to finish school to help provide for our family, has made it harder to bond.
For me, I have worked and struggled so hard to get my degree, that I wasn't going to let anything get in the way. Well, having a baby kind of changes that mind set. I am glad that I will be taking off a term to allow me to bond with the baby before school gets crazy again.
Also, I am only 16w, so I still have a lot of time left to bond before baby is born!

Answer:

I don't want to know the sex, but have wondered if I should for this same reason. People assure me I'll love a boy and bond with it instantly........I am scared though. Every time we have playgroup or go to the park, etc I see how different boys play and most of them are just not very nice :( i kind of worry about this, too. i really want another girl, but we aren't planning on finding out what we are having until birth. i know i will love a boy, but wonder if i will be disappointed. i work in postpartum and have seen some really adorable boys lately so i just have to trust that i will love my child. i still think about finding out though, even though i have always been very pro-surprise.

Answer:

This is my 3rd and I'm having a really hard time bonding or even accepting that this pregnancy is real. I should know its real...or at least hope it is so it explains my expanding waist line:) But I just can't get into it. People keep asking what am I doing the nursey in, well I haven't even quite figured out where to put the baby, so no I haven't thought about it and frankly I just think that babies really don't care what their nursery's look like so what's the difference?
Or have we thought about names? No...nor have I bought anything for the baby...it just doesn't seem real.
And I'm really worried about my DH. This was unplanned, and he really wants a boy this time and I'm so worried that if we have the ultrasound and find out its another girl he will be disappointed...I mean I know in the end he'll be fine, but the initial reaction..ya know?

Answer:

Hey, don't be afraid of boys! Boys are wonderful. I would like to have had a girl the second time around so I'd have one of each (and some one to give my Little House on the Prairie books collection to) but not because boys are so terrible.

Answer:

I really didn't care about the sex with Ben and I don't care with this one either. I'm under tremendous pressure from my ils to produce a dd. It kind of pisses me off. We went through so much bringing Ben into the world, i just think it's so ungrateful to demand one gender or another. Like Ben isn't good enough :(
My son is sweet, and gentle and mild and kind. Don't be afraid of boys. :love

Answer:

I could have written your post almost exactly! i'm 19 weeks along and not feeling very excited or bonded. My dd is 2 and i was ecstatic throughout my pregnancy with her... every little movement... every new week was so thrilling to me. We are very close now and have very similar personalities. I had a scary 1st dr appt and although it turned out that nothing was wrong I think I've had a hard time feeling like the pregnancy is real. (Dr was an idiot and couldn't find the baby on the office ultrasound.... she told me my dates were way off or the fetus wasn't viable.. a follow-up at the hospital confirmed my date to the day and everything was normal. Happily, she left the practice right after that.)
We did find out that we're having a boy. I was fine with leaving it for a surprise but dh needs some time to get used to the idea of having a son. He wanted another girl and dd was asking for a sister! Dealing with those reactions has also made it hard for me to really get enthusiastic about this baby. I know I'll fall in love when i meet him but it's nice to know i'm not alone in feeling this way!

Answer:

Ah, I could have written this post.
Now ds (we didn't know at the time if he was a he or a she) is 5 months, and looking back, I was bonded with him, just in a different way than I was with dd. It was different enough that it wasn't recognizable in the same way, and it wasn't the same kind of focused attention.
I, too, was 'afraid' of having a boy, and I will say I'm glad we didn't find out he was a boy until he was born. I had some emotional work to do as a 'what-if' and I think I would have felt extremely guilty if I'd had to do that work knowing for sure that he was a boy. Once 'Spike' came out, though, and I saw that he was a boy, it wasn't something to be considered in the same way, because the gender didn't matter so much - he was my baby, and he was finally born!